At the Table with Scott
Our current message series, "At the Table," is designed to help us navigate the complexities of our relationships, especially during the upcoming holidays.
For many of us, a topic like this can stir up a lot of internal turmoil. At a minimum, it could raise your anxiety level, leading up to just about any type of social event.
Navigating family get-togethers in this day and age has gotten more and more… complicated. Politics, religion, and race, among other hot-topic issues such as ANYTHING to do with the pandemic/masks/vaccination… Just add a sprinkle of (or a heavy dose of) social media, and BAM! You now have a recipe for a disastrous dinner.
I'm not sure why everyone ends up succumbing to the notion, "I just can't take it anymore! I HAVE TO tell THE WORLD what I think!” on Facebook, about any given topic.
This series has only three installments, so there wasn't really an opportunity for me to weigh in on this topic. However, I want to share with you a few things I’ve learned along the way. A few Bible passages and some practical tips that, hopefully, you will find beneficial.
First, I have a few questions for you to ponder…
Are you able to simply listen to people and NOT verbalize your disagreement with what they may say, no matter how strongly you disagree with them? Can you simply keep your opinions to yourself, rather than diving headfirst (or getting drawn) into an argument that will most likely end up being just another vain attempt at proving you are RIGHT? To convince someone to change their mind and FINALLY see things MY way!
Let me save you the heartburn. You're not going to change anyone's mind… about anything. The best you can hope for is gently offering a little "food for thought."
Do you realize that just because you think you're right doesn't actually mean that you ARE right? You can support your stance with data and examples and cite all kinds of experts… but I promise you, so can they.
Which is more important to you, your relationships or winning arguments? Are you willing to alienate people and lose any possibility of having a voice in their life?
Do you realize that most people today couldn't care less about what the Bible states about ANY given topic? Trust me, most people couldn't care less about how many verses you can quote to make your point.
Do you believe it's up to YOU to defend God? To offer a scriptural counterpoint to every point someone makes with which you disagree?
Can you still be welcoming to people when it becomes obvious that they are VERY different from you? And what about the boisterous person that makes it their mission to give their opinion on every topic that is raised? And they KNOW... They. Are. Right.
I believe that acting in a loving way toward people and investing in relationships over the long haul is more important than winning an argument, and it will ultimately bear more fruit.
Let’s take a look at how Jesus interacted with Zacchaeus and the woman at the well.
Let's start here: Both were "sinners" and by religious standards, “unacceptable.”
In Luke chapter 19, "Jesus entered Jericho and was passing through. A man was there by the name of Zacchaeus; he was a chief tax collector and was wealthy. He wanted to see who Jesus was, but because he was short he could not see over the crowd. So he ran ahead and climbed a sycamore-fig tree to see him since Jesus was coming that way.
As Jesus approached, he said, "Zacchaeus, come down immediately. I must stay at your house today." So he came down at once and welcomed him GLADLY.
First, take note that Zacchaeus climbed a tree JUST TO GET A LOOK at Jesus. So he was very excited when Jesus invited himself over to his house.
Immediately people began to grumble (the inference is the religious people began to grumble.) They were STUNNED that Jesus was going to be the guest of a SINNER!
It's also worth noting that there is no narrative about what happened after Zacchaeus came down from the tree. Nothing about their time together or their conversation at all. Until…
The story jumps straight to Zacchaeus standing up (perhaps from his seat at the table, after a meal) and declaring, "Look, Lord! Here and now, I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount." Jesus said to him, "Today salvation has come to this house, because this man, too, is a son of Abraham. For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost."
This makes me think of the verse in 1 Peter "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect…"
The key to that verse is NOT "Always be prepared to give an answer."
The key is, "to everyone who ASKS you."
How are we to give our answer? With gentleness. And respect.
Now, let's look at Jesus' interaction with the woman at the well, in John chapter 4. It would have been culturally unusual for a man like Jesus to speak with a woman in public. AND, she was a Samaritan, who was also a social outcast, married and divorced FIVE TIMES and currently living with a man with whom she was not married. Hence, why she was drawing water in the heat of the day when no one else was around.
In verse 27, there is an interesting bit of narration stating that Jesus’ disciples were "surprised" to find him talking with a woman.
Note that when Jesus initiated the conversation with her, HER reaction was, "You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink? For Jews do not associate with Samaritans." She was surprised that Jesus was speaking to her!
Because of Jesus' insight into her life, she determined that he was a prophet and immediately asked him a question about worship. By the end of their conversation, she was speculating that he could be the Messiah. When she told others about her encounter, they too believed, simply because of her testimony. So much so that they then invited Jesus to stay for a couple of days. After his visit, they were fully convinced, and even MORE, people believed in him.
Imagine that… a broken woman... with a bad reputation... shared her testimony about Jesus... and people believed in him. She had a massive impact on the people around her, despite her reputation.
There are people just like her, all around us. People who are broken… and outcasts… who are (metaphorically speaking) "looking for the Messiah." They may be spiritual without having a biblical foundation. They may be seeking, just unaware, or not convinced, that Jesus is the missing piece of the puzzle. I now have family members that have NO church background whatsoever. “Church” is foreign to them. Their views on any given topic may be very different from mine.
Let me be clear about this, I'm NOT suggesting that you never speak up. I'm not suggesting that you allow others to demean you and your beliefs. But that's really NOT the point. What I'm suggesting is that you simply listen more... and speak less. Be curious. Ask a lot of questions. Be interested in where people are coming from and what makes them tick.
I know that not speaking up FEELS like you are compromising what you believe. Accepting people or even just simply LISTENING to people without responding can look like agreement or that you are giving them "a pass."
I get it. Many people have difficulty with the distinction between acceptance and agreement.
As believers, we TALK about unconditional love... Accepting people for who they are. Loving them right where they are at. That's what unconditional love is. That is how God loves us, right?
But like most things, it’s easier said than done.
My viewpoint is that it's not my job to change people. That's the Holy Spirit's job. My job is to love people.
Seasoned Christians believe that one should SPEAK UP! "Speak the truth in love!" (Ephesians 4:15)
How do you navigate when to speak and when to stay silent? James 1 states that we are to be "quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." Quick to listen. Slow to speak. (Repeat that to yourself. Over and over and over...)
But wait, Scott… what about THIS verse?? "Who will rise up for me against the wicked? Who will take a STAND for me against EVILDOERS?" (Psalm 94:16)
Take caution when you pull out an Old Testament scripture like that. You have to view the Old Testament through the lens of the New Testament. Let me give you an example…
In the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5, Jesus quoted a verse found in three different books in the OT (Exodus, Leviticus, and Deuteronomy) “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’” Paybacks, right? You hurt me, so I’m going to hurt you.
But that’s NOT how we are to respond. That is the Law. The Old Testament. That’s not what Jesus taught. He followed up on that verse by saying, “But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” (Bless those who curse you.)
In Matthew 22 Jesus said that the Greatest Command (Old Testament) is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. And the second is like it, love your neighbor as yourself. Then he said, “All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” Jesus said he did not come to abolish the Law, but to fulfill it.
So, is it really YOUR job? To take a stand for God? Does it have to be YOU? Every time?
(I want you to pause for just a moment and think about that…)
I had a passing conversation with someone after church this past weekend. They were clearly processing Caleb’s message and felt challenged by it. I could see their internal struggle.
I shared a verse with them at that moment, and they reached out to me later that afternoon asking about the verse I had quoted. Since then my wheels have kept turning on this topic. Hence, this blog post.
Here is the passage I shared with them (along with a few others that have come to mind since.)
Romans chapter 14 opens with "Accept the one whose faith is weak, without quarreling over disputable matters." (I would encourage you to read the entire chapter… It’s SO good!)
This chapter talks about eating meat (that had been sacrificed to idols) vs. only vegetables. Is it ok to drink wine, or not? Which sacred days should be observed? It speaks to not causing others to stumble by violating what they believe by what WE believe, and it ends with… (drum roll, please…) "What you believe about these things, keep between yourself and God." That is a pretty straightforward directive: “Keep your opinions to yourself.”
(I rarely hear any Christians quote that verse!)
There are certain things that may be a sin for ME, but not for you, and vice-versa. If you can’t drink a glass of wine without feeling like it’s wrong for you to do that, then for you it may be a sin! “Whatever is not of faith is sin.” (That is if you are violating your conscience.)
Let me raise the bar a little while I am on this particular topic...
Again, in the Sermon on the Mount Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who LOOKS at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. There it is again, the stark contrast between the Old and New Testament.
Here is another very practical verse that applies, because in the end, what we are talking about is simply just being... sensitive... to others by exercising wisdom and restraint in our conversations.
The Apostle Paul, who wrote Romans, also wrote in Colossians 4, "Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." Another translation uses the phrase “each person.” (I like that because it personalizes it, to each individual.)
We just can't speak to every person the same way. There is not a one-size-fits-all formula for connecting with different people.
“Let your speech be WITH GRACE… seasoned with salt.” Paul used the phrase "seasoned with salt" to make a point.
My wife Bonnie LOVES movie popcorn. And she always adds salt to it… She likes more salt than I do. Everyone has a different tolerance for salt. Similarly, some people can handle more direct communication than others. More “salty” communication. However, some people are easily hurt, and we need to be sensitive to that. People listening in on our conversations can also be hurt by what is said. Or at least can be “put off” by what is said, or maybe more importantly, HOW it is said.
In closing, I want to remind you that Jesus NEVER condemned "sinners." He ended a few conversations with a simple admonition, "Stop sinning or something worse may come upon you" or "Go and leave and leave your life of sin." But he never rebuked people for their sins. He reserved his harshest words for the religious leaders. He called them snakes and whitewashed tombs, hypocrites, and blind guides (Matthew 23.)
Ouch.
We have to be careful to not lose sight of what's really important. We can win the battle (the argument)... but lose the war (our relationships).
There is a time and a place to have those hard conversations, but it probably shouldn't be at your dinner table on Thanksgiving or Christmas. Those difficult conversations are best had over coffee… One on one. Face to face. Heart to heart…
With gentleness… and respect.
